


Photocopier broke

by siangjiang



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 05:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16759273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siangjiang/pseuds/siangjiang
Summary: Jake and Amy tries to talk Bill out of dating the Vulture.





	Photocopier broke

Jake wasn’t sure what came over him. He wouldn’t call himself a violent person, but when he saw Bill pressed up against the wall, cornered by the Vulture, Jake saw red. Maybe it was because Bill looked so much like Boyle that Jake’s protector instinct took over, or maybe it was just his general hatred of the Vulture, probably a combination of the two, but either way it ended with him ramming into the Vulture, almost pushing him over. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t super violent, but definitely more violent than Jake would usually be with a non-criminal, and the Vulture seemed to agree.

“What the hell, fartface!?” Vulture yelled.

“Get away from him, Vulture! You- you predator!”

“Vultures aren’t predators” Bill said “They’re-“

“I know!” Jake interrupted “I meant predator as in the sexual kind”

“Wow Peralta” Pembroke said, straightening his jacked “I didn’t know you were such a homophobe. Does Holt know that?”

“What?!” Jake defensively took a step back “I’m not a homophobe! I’m the least homophobic person in this building. I made out with Holt”

Bill nodded approvingly “Hot”

“Why are you like this, Bill?” 

Vulture squinted at Jake “Sounds homophobic to me”

“Why do you keep calling me a homophobe!?”

Before Pembroke could answer Terry stepped around the corner and got between them “Hey hey! Why are you guys yelling homophobe over and over? It’s not good for morale”

Vulture smiled smugly like a child who was being defended by an adult “Because he is being homophobic”

“Why!?” Jake yelled “Why am I being homophobic!?”

“I don’t know” Vulture sneered “Moma didn’t raise you right?”

Jake crosses his arms “You...are not entirely wrong, but she didn’t make me no homophobe”

Terry held his hands up, trying to defuse the situation “Guys, just tell me what happened”

“Well” Pembroke started “I was showing my boyfriend some love when Peralta rammed me and called me a predator”

“That is a lie!” Jake said “He is not dating Bill!”

“Actually, he kinda is” Bill said.

Terry cocked his head “What? Really?”

“Yes I am” Vulture grinned smugly, throwing an arm around Bill’s neck and pulling him into a hug that looked equally possessive and protective.

“What!?” Jake laughed “No noooo, what!?”

Bill just looked at him and hugged Pembroke back.

“No Bill, no, that is such a bad idea”

“See?” Vulture said to Terry “Homophobe”

“I’m _not_ being homophobic!” Jake said, sounding a bit too much like a frustrated child “I’m looking out for my friend. Bill, man, don’t do this to yourself. Is he paying you? Whatever it is I’ll pay you double”

Both Bill and Pembroke looked disgusted.

“Actually, he never treated me like a whore, which is more than can be said about you” Bill said and hugged Pembroke tighter.

“Oh my god!” Amy suddenly said “Why is Vulture trying to strangle Bill!?”

“You are all a bunch of homophobic jerkasses” Vulture said, pointing accusingly around the room “I love this man and his massive dong. He’s the best sex I’ve ever had”

“Bottom” Jake mumbled out the side of his mouth.

“Okay, Terry doesn’t want to hear this” Terry said and quickly walked off “You two solve this”

Amy grabbed Bill’s hand “Bill, please, you don’t want this. He’s a horrible person. He cheated on his fiancé”

“Yeah, well, we have an open relationship” Bill said in his usual calm way “I was never good at limiting myself to one person”

Vulture lovingly kissed Bill’s forehead and both Jake and Amy made disgusted faces.

“You can’t base a relationship on sex alone” Jake said “Not a real one anyway”

“Who made _you_ king of love?” Vulture asked, ignoring Amy when she said ‘Me’. “Besides, it’s not all about sex. I love him. Why is that so difficult for your little homophobic brains to understand?”

Amy looked at Jake “Why does he keep calling us homophobic?”

Jake shook his head like _Ignore him_ and looked at Vulture “Why? Why do you love _him_? Of all people?”

“Hurtful” Bill said and Pembroke put a hand on his head, holding him closer.

“And you call yourself his best friend” Vulture sneered.

“I never called myself that”

“Well, if you must know he’s cute and funny. He got a cute soft face like a woman and a huge willy like a real man AND he likes to switch”

“Switch what?” Jake asked mockingly “The lights on and off?”

“Boy, you two are so innocent” Bill smiled “No wonder you think sex shouldn’t matter in a relationship”

Both Amy and Jake turned bright red. “No, I know what switch means, I just-“ Jake said but was stopped when Pembroke held up a finger “You two brain dead turds don’t get to come here and dictate to us how we should live our lives. If you got a problem, how about you go home and actually bang each other for once and stay out of other people’s business”

“We bang!” Jake said defensively and Amy nodded angrily. “Yeah!” she joined in “We bang a lot!”

“Vanilla people are so cute” Bill smiled.

“ _You’re_ vanilla” Jake retorted, not thinking it through properly.

Bill just looked at him “I’m not”

“You’re not” Jake agreed.

“Are people calling you out for being vanilla again?” Rosa called out from the other end of the room.

“No!” Jake yelled.

“Bill is dating the Vulture” Amy told Rosa, sounding unreasonably frustrated.

“Ew” Rosa said stone-faced “But I get it. Creeps for life” She hit her chest two times with a fist and threw a hand-sign at Bill who returned the gesture. Amy rolled her eyes.

“Just think it through, okay Bill?” she said “Don’t let him jerk you around”

“I grew up on the streets” Bill said “You think I can’t watch out for myself? Keith is right. You should stay out of other people’s lives if you don’t know what you’re talking about. Not every relationship has to be a copy of yours”

With that he guided Pembroke out of the room, leaving Jake and Amy looking dumbfounded.

“He joined a pyramid scheme” Jake said, defeat clear in his voice “I don’t think he actually knows how to-“

“Are we homophobic?” Amy asked.

“What? No, no. I don’t think so. I hope not” Jake looked in the direction Bill and Vulture had left “I’m actually a little worried for the Vulture now. Did ‘I grew up on the streets’ sound like a threat to you too?”

“I think they’re perfect for each other” Rosa said, suddenly standing besides them, making them both jump.

“You can’t be serious” Amy said “Nobody’s perfect for the Vulture”

“Bill is. He’s a perv like the Vulture, probably more so, he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, nothing face him, he knows his boundaries and Vulture can’t ruin his life because he doesn’t have a life to ruin. They’re a match made in heaven. And you’re right” Rosa looked Jake dead in the eye “It did sound like a threat. If Vulture won’t respect his boundaries, Bill is going to shank him”

Jake gulped “How romantic”

Rosa smiled, satisfied that she had freaked Jake out “Hey, not every relationship has to be a copy of yours. People want different things. Let them figure it out on their own. Best case scenario, Vulture ends up dead”

“Don’t joke about things like that” Amy sighed. Rosa just grinned at her.


End file.
